This journal is the story of my quit.I quit smoking over five years ago and I have never looked back.Not only was it one of the most extraordinary journeys of my life, but it tested my courage, my faith and my resolve. ... and I won.I'm smoke-free.I haven't touched a cigarette since I quit.It's an amazing feeling, knowing that you beat the most addictive drug in the world.A profound pride fills your heart.It's worth it.
I'm sharing this journal with you because I think it can offer you hope, faith, wisdom, a bit of humor...but mostly it will inspire you.It will make you want it all the moreTo be free of the smoking habit; to kick cigarettes to the curb; to live free.
- You can be free, too. -
The Beginning 30 years and two packs a day.
This lens is for you and the fabulous quit you're going to have!
I have this wonderful Quit going that I would do anything to protect. I officially quit Jan. 11 at 1am. Seemed auspicious and I was right. It was perfect. I'm smoke-free and on the most incredible journey of my life.
I wish I could describe the fear I started this journey with. I can't. Suffice it to say I was near to paralyzed thinking about quitting. It has, as it turns out, been the MOST freeing experience of my life. With the amazing courage my Self gathered, the gods and red hot Jolly Ranchers, I'm still quit. And I love it. I share this very personal quitter's journal in the hope that if you want to quit smoking, you'll find some strength in my own journey, as I found in others'.
Once you make the decision and have it firmly fixed in your mind, it becomes the most amazing ride of your life.
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"We, the massive gathering of those who have released nicotine from our lives, grow with each passing moment. We grow in numbers because people begin to care about their lives. We grow in strength because people wake up to their own fortitude. We grow in heart because we embrace our quits as the lifesavers they are. We grow in devotion as we learn it's not a burden to leave poison behind. We grow in Self as we eliminate fear by doing. We'll keep growing in numbers. Watch us."
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And so it starts....I made a promise to my husband and children...a few years ago and broke it. After chest pains, trouble breathing and a cough that's gross, I'm going to try this time. I'm scared as hell, but want to live. I've actually never been more scared than I am at the thought of quitting smoking.
Day 1 It's a fix. There's no question in my mind now.
It's only a few hours into the day, but I've been puzzling more than a few images out for days now, leading up to this. It's so hard to see it for what it is sometimes. An addiction and one of the most horrendous drugs ever conceived.
I hate that it's robbed me of health, life and reality. I detest that I allowed it to go on this long. It's taken from me 30 years of clean breathing. It's a fix. I think about the glamorous side (without the consciousness of it) and if I concentrate really hard, I can feel that `ahhhh` as I inhaled the first one of the day, or the first drag of a really-anticipated smoke. Then I force myself to move the `ahhhh` from `AHHHHHHHHHHHHH` to the horrific, gut-wrenching choking cough that accompanied most cigarettes toward the end of my smoking career.
I work at remembering the feeling of coughing so hard, my body felt spasmed. Sometimes not being able to catch my breath for a long minute. Not being able to inhale one deep puff without coughing. Nor a breath. Some sad limbo in between being a smoker and being a breather, without being able to do either sufficiently. Glamorous. Fond memories. It will be years before my bladder muscles finally catch a break and are able to start doing their damn job again. Bloody cough.
I don't particularly want to go through the last 3 days again, ever. I was a wreck, worrying I'd fail immediately, feeling guilty for waiting so long, so scared about `losing` my cigarettebuddies, etc,etc,ad nauseum Man that was stressful. I woke up this morning feeling like my world had suddenly, overnight gone quiet.
I'm not stressed. And the guilt is gone. For the first time in weeks, I visited the web this morning, with a great-tasting mug of coffee and had fun reading. No tears. It's very liberating.
I know there will be hard moments coming. Or maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who maintains total control and breezes through. Either way, the gods are placing this all in front of me for lessons not yet revealed.
Nothing like kicking a heavy addiction to see what we're made of, eh?
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I had a huge very unpleasant situation with my youngest kid. Had I had cigarettes in the house I would have smoked. Had I wanted to, I could have crossed the street to the Walgreen`s 40 ft. away.
But I didn't smoke. I cried for an hour. I hid under the covers. And I heard my husband say `I love you and I'm behind you all the way`. That sounded so damn good.
Believe me, under any other quits or times, I would have smoked after that argument. I may still have a problem in the future. But for today, I didn't.
And the weirdest/coolest thing is that I'm feeling so good about myself right now. Saucy, ya know?
Let's put it this way. Had I smoked a damn cigarette, I'd be smoking still. Probably non-stop. One pack in a few hours. I know me and this is the `other` scenario.
However, because I was able to breath/cry through this whole stressful mess, I'm all proud of myself. Like as though I hit a challenge and met it with flying colors.
Hey...wait a minute. I DID hit a challenge and pass it with flying colors!
Yehaaaaaaa
Onward and upward. I embrace the empty headedness to come over the next while. What a groovy and free escape for a bit, eh? Bonus Quit Brain Vacation.;)
Day 2
Jolly Rancher Hot Cinnamons are DA BOMB!!
Lovely bite to the end of my tongue like a smoke.
My husband brought them home for me last night and I think I`m in love again ;)
No question about wanting a cigarette. I didn't wake with the craving, I woke with an itch, dead center of my back. The kind you just can't reach.
My guy was really weirded out when I came jumping out of the bedroom and threw myself at the doorjamb hoping for relief. I know he thinks I'm nuts. This confirms it.
Still `nice`. I didn't cough this morning. Coffee tastes so bloody GOOD!
I want a smoke.
o O (remember...that `ahhhh` yeah baby...remember that AHHHH after you light up. Yeah, but remember when you still had the smoke in your lungs. Tried to exhale and coughed like you were going to die. Silly bitch)
I'll fight through this crave. I'll protect MY quit. I'll guard it with my life.
Wait...it IS my life. I guard it or I die.
Day 3
Today seems as though it's going to be a day for reflection. Both positive and negative, but reflection nonetheless. Cool part is, it's reflection without the stinky smell of cigarette smoke.
I woke this morning, with energy I haven't felt in quite a while. I didn't feel half-drugged or groggy. That in itself is nothing short of a miracle folks. And my sleeping isn't all messed up like some people who have quit. I'm not having any bad dreams...yet. They may come. No clue. So far so good.
I wondered, over the last few months what people could possibly mean by `hell of a journey`. I could not bring myself to see quitting smoking as a journey. Before I started this, I saw it more as a burden. A confiscation. A punishment. The ultimate sacrifice.
Yeah, NOT.
It's one bloody incredible journey and I'm only STARTING. I can't imagine how cool it could be at 100 days. Although, it might be like the first bit of a new love interest. Remember those first feelings? Remember not being able to stop kissing? Remember how incredible it feels? But hey, three years later, it's still wonderful. Just a different kind of wonderful. From lingerie to fluffy flannel. Wonderful and secure.
I hope my quit either stays exciting or moves toward that lovely, snug, comfortable stage. Like a favorite pair of slippers.
REVELATION TIME
It dawned on me this morning (and NEVER has before) that I have NEVER been an adult without being a smoker. I began at 13 and don't even know how to be an adult without a cigarette. How bizarro is that?!
THINGS I NEVER KNEW
How good my skin smells in the morning. My hands smell like cinnamon and soap. (subject to change depending on activity)
My kid's hair smells amazing.
My husband's neck smells wonderful.
The lock of grey at my left temple is actually silver.
Coffee tastes AWESOME
Human breathing isn't meant to be heard
Day 10
We've all heard the lists of ways to overcome a crave and keep on track of this `quit thing`. We've all gone over this stuff in our minds, until it feels like our ears will fall off.
Do we really listen? Do we really read? Do we REALLY see?
When I read about well-loved online friends who have passed on, or have just received their diagnosis, I feel horrible. The humanity of who I am causes me to thank the powers that be that it wasn't me, and then the human in me realizes the sorrow of the situation.
Truth is, there SHOULDN'T BE a reason to quit. There SHOULDN'T BE a list of friends passed. These things are wrong in their very existence. The TRUTH is, there should never have been a REASON that quitting exists.
But they do exist. Tobacco has forced these existences. And so we deal with the news of a friend's passing, or give hugs in a post to a friend who's been given bad news. And we keep on journeying.
For six weeks before my quit 10 days ago, I sat on a quit forum most evenings, reading and crying. I wept so many tears. I cried for people I didn't know. I cried when I read about chest pains and tumors, tiredness and declining health. I cried when I read of parents passing, I cried when I read about the births of babies and dedicating quits to children.
I cried. I rarely spent time on the forum in those weeks, doing much but reading and crying. And getting very very scared.
I cried for families. I cried for people struggling to kick a habit.
Mostly I cried for myself. I wanted what so many have. I wanted the joy of saying `I've made it through ...... week`
I wanted to know what it felt like to surrender to my own courage for once.
I surrendered to what I was crying out for. I let my tears guide my actions.
Trust me friends, it's one hell of a journey. One wild ride. And so worth it.
So read, and cry. Read all about those who have passed. Of the families who watched them die. Of those who have faced the most horrendous news. Read them all. Cry until your eyes are swollen. Cry for them...but most of all cry for you.
Better you to cry, than your loved ones.
Day 28
Celebrating that in our life which brings us joy and healing, is probably the most important thing we can do for ourselves. All too often our lives are too busy/too complicated/too stressful/too _____ to allow the celebrations we really feel in our soul.
How many times in the average lifespan do we think we're going to get the chance to celebrate our own strength?
As someone said yesterday, those in their first days/weeks are the ones slaying the biggest beasts.
I remember (what seems like a lifetime ago) how those first days felt. No....not days. Those first minutes and hours. That's how the first days are. Broken down into non-smoking minutes, each minute testing our courage, our strength and our ultimate resolve. How indecent can a human habit become.
You who are beginning this amazing journey are wonderful. You believed in yourselves enough to undertake this enormous leap of faith.
The interesting difference from this leap of faith to others we've taken in our lives, is that this one centers on faith in ourselves. Got that? Read it again. Faith in yourself.
That's the entire crux of watching your stats grow. Your heart will continue to fill with love for yourself, with each passing hour/day/week/month of your non-smoking life.
Imagine that. Love by deprivation. Freedom through courage.
Celebrate, friends. Celebrate each time you look in the mirror. Celebrate each morning you wake and can breath. Celebrate each lovely email from a friend wishing you well.
Celebrate.
1 Month
For those new to their quit...
I have two words for you.
*Perspective*
*Attitude*
Here's the perspective...Yes It Can Be Done
Don't believe me? Check out the names on the anniversary list. Read the stats people post with their messages. We're doing it.
Daily....hourly....by the minute.
PEOPLE ARE QUITTING SMOKING. And being successful at it. You're no different. You can do this. You're here already. You must want it.
So, that being said, kick all those nasty doubts from your mind and hitch your britches up, full blown wedgie to wake you up and get on with the business of nurturing your quit/health/life.
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But that perspective needs a good Attitude to fuel it.
Give it one. I know you have an attitude buried somewhere beneath all that nicotine-gooed spirit. By giving your Attitude room to breath (literally), you're giving your soul the freedom to exist again, without the chains of slavery to this addiction.
I want to see some attitude. Tell your Self it's time for a few changes. They won't always be easy, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.
You want this quit. You have to want it or it won't work. Simple really. This is where the attitude comes in though. You want it or you wouldn't be here. By building your attitude, you build your courage. By building your courage, you build your quitdays. By building your quit days, you get to live.
Pretty cool.
I love you for being here and trusting me to help you through.
Day 42
Being on day 42, I'm just now finding myself coming into that back-to-concentration period. I'm finally getting work done again and actually hearing what people are saying to me.
I've been lucky. My family has been tolerant and lovely. Although, I've done more out loud belly laughing in the past 42 days than I have in a very long time. I'm always laughing and looking for reasons to laugh, but it's been delightful. The CRS (quit related stupity) will give me a suddenly lucid image of something I thought of and I'll burst out laughing. They're ready with the appropriate meds...LOL
It's like drifting back into a world at real speed. For the first 35 days or so, it was like moving around in Jell-O. Good, hot, cinnamon Jolly Rancher Jell-O, but slow mo. I played Snood, ate jolly ranchers and existed in a basic stupor the first week. Progressing to coherent from there.
This stuff feels amazing. Lovely. I'm still fascinated at how wonderful this feels. And I'm not sure if it's more from being nic-free, or it's actually knowing that if I trust my courage, it won't let me down.
Day 50 - Two Hands
Two Hands
We start out with two hands. Young, fresh and ready for the sensory banquet that is life.
Little boys go through life one-handed for a few years (some more than others) holding dear to the very body part they will base a good deal of decision making upon. Little girls tend to abuse the world one-handed, clutching their dolls on one hip, reaching for their future with one hand outstretched.
Life moves on. Sometimes we reach out with two hands. More often in our busy lives, we reach out with one hand, snaking around the myriad of daily obstacles.
Smokers live life never really knowing the delights of a two-handed world. Smokers hug one-armed and talk one-handed, limiting the amazing benefits of hand gesturing. Smokers clutch the package of cigarettes tucked into their hands, comfortable beside the ridge of lighter they always carry. Smokers read one-handed, missing the delights of a quiet and unbusy hand to better turn pages with ease.
I believe the one-handed method of living is a micro/macro cosmic thing. It's not just 3D that smokers live one-handed. Its the emotions they cheat themselves of by feeding a heavy addiction. They cheat themselves and others of their true selves.
If I showed my former smoking self a film of me now, my former self would have laughed in my face. It is that dramatic an impact, the quit.
I have lived the past 50 days two-handed. Full complete movement. Reaching for all that I was missing before. Reaching daily for life. Savoring more moments than I ever thought possible. Being delighted at coming out of a daydream only to realize I'm holding my coffee mug with two hands, the delicious chill of the wintry morning gone from both hands. Two hands warm from the mug, reaching out to warm the cheeks of my daughter just in from outside.
Two hands to reach out to the wonderful people who remind me daily why I'm quit.
Two hands
Day 64
My truth for today -
Yesterday my family left me to my own devices for most of the evening and I walked down to get Chinese food for my dinner. As I walked past the convenience store, I thought (and for about .04 seconds it was a pretty STRONG thought) that I should go in and buy some smokes.
I want you to know something. It was MAJOR strong, but NOT. And ONLY .04 seconds (best not to question some things...)
I wish I knew how to describe this. Ok...like as if, you're getting your tongue pierced. You see the needle coming but you close your eyes and you end up NOT feeling a thing.
I'm serious. I'm kind of confused because it seems like it 'should have' lasted longer, been stronger, etc. Or maybe I'm just shocked that given all the perfect circumstances, it still didn't happen.
All I could see was my kids faces when they smelled the cigarette smoke on me. And my own incredible disappointment at being stupid. Whatever it was, the .04 seconds passed quickly (as you can well imagine) and off I went, laughing, the whole episode soon forgotten in a rich steam of pan-fried dumplings and sesame chicken.
Remember when you borrowed something from someone and the responsibility could be overwhelming?
This is different because we're not responsible for someone else's something. We're only responsible for this now. No one else can do our job in this. We're irreplaceable and if our quit gets lost it's our fault. There is NOTHING else to blame.
Talk about total artistic control...
A Matter of Choice
There is a time when you MUST surrender. You must let go.
That will either be by dying or by quitting. One way or the other you're GOING to quit smoking.
You have two choices.
You can do it with attitude....or you can do it feeling deprived. It's going to get done. You just have to decide how that's going to be.
This is something in your life. We have many somethings. Not many that serve up death on a platter. But our lives are full of many somethings.
On occasion we must release ourselves from one of those things. The type of scent because it's not made anymore....our fav zine has gone out of print....you get the idea.
Smoking isn't going to be a part of your life anymore. Yes you might crave. Yes you might "feel" like your world is coming unglued at times.
Welcome to the real world. The world this side of the smoke screen.
We ARE very capable of this change. But we don't always believe we are. The fear can be paralyzing; often prolonging for years, what we should have done.
It's a matter of perception. See it as being deprived and your quit will make you angry and resentful. See it as a gift of courage and strength to yourself, and you've got the makings of a firm and solid permanent quit.
It's a matter of choice. Don't let anyone tell you differently. You must choose. You will choose, eventually.
It's up to you how you want to do this.
Day 171
The faces of quitters are woven with lines of wisdom. Wisdom emerging from fully cemented quits and from newbie determination. These lines crocheted across the faces of those gone before, give us a chance to emmulate them.
We are every race, every religion, every econimic class, every political view and both genders. We are variation itself. We are the hands across the globe, reaching for a smoke free world.
We are quitters who choose to share our experience, our laughter, love and pain. We share our frustrations hoping others will benefit from hearing of our adventures.
We are the legion of ex smokers who thought it was cool. It`s not cool now. We are the hopefuls who now know it kills. We are the successes amongst the statistics. We stay quit in the moment.
This is the essence of the us. Our diversity, our common goal...this is what holds us together. What causes us to reach out to those just coming to the path. This is what offers us a hand when we are the ones in need.
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`You cannot step into the same river twice`
Hericlitus spoke those words around 500BC.
Wise words. Think about them.
We stepped in the river at this very spot yesterday. Today, we reach our toes toward the water, but it isn`t the same water. Time has moved the river. The flow of the water carries a new river to us each passing moment.
We are like the river. We change moment by moment. You are not exactly the same person you were an hour ago. New cells have grown, hair is longer (if only by a microamount) and you have had thoughts for an hour longer than before. Perhaps a new piece of wisdom has been gained.
The trick, is to accept and revel in the everchanging flow of life. Allow yourself to change. Grow.
When we try to make life remain the same, we wonder why we fail. Life changes just like the river. Just like us. Life moves along, with no attention to whether we`re moving with it. Life doesn`t care if we do or not.
Life offers us its new self each moment. It is up to us whether we reach out and embrace it in all its panoramic change.
One can never know what lies ahead on this everchanging road. Might be good, might be not so good. But we cannot know until we set out. We cannot reap the possible rewards unless we keep on going.
Stagnation only leads to death of the spirit.
Be ACTIVE in seeking the nectar in life and drink it down.
You deserve it.
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If you think smoking kills, give stress a try.
Stress kills more people each day than ANY other leading cause. Stress is responsible for most heart attacks. It is suicides and worry over crime. It is the push that locks our door twice. Stress is the fuel for violence in the home and schoolyard, work place discomfort and road rage.
Stress is responsible daily for people hurting themselves, overdoing something, not measuring up and putting others down. Stress is THE number one killer.
So..with that being the case, why add stress to your life when you have just eliminated one of the most horrendous killers of our time?
Breathing releases stress, mediation the same.
Relax into your quit. Accept that it is with you forever.
Release the STRESS of wanting a cigarette and live longer.
It`s an amazing journey. Put the stress away long enough to enjoy it.
This Moment Right Now
Ever wanted to know the secret of life? That`s it. This moment right now. Shout it out, write it down and memorize it like your life depends on it. It does. This moment right now. The four most magical words on our planet.
The moment before this one is now a part of our past. Existing only as a memory. It cannot be relived or changed in any way. It is the way it is. Final and complete. Sealed into history.
In the moment after this one, we could be dead. The finality of death may have taken us in any moment past this one. The grim reaper reaps when he`s meant to. We cannot deny OR defy death. It IS our future. Whether or not we are comfortable discussing it, death is our path eventually. Could be in the next moment or in 60 years. But it WILL come.
The only thing that matters is THIS MOMENT. It is the one with potential. We are alive in this moment. In another we may be dead. For this moment we are alive, we exist, we can accomplish something. Whatever you choose that something to be, this moment has possibilities. Limitless potential.
Take hold of this moment. If you deny it, you throw away the chance to be alive. If you waste it, you will never know if you could have been alive in that moment or not. You won`t be given moments forever, to toss frivolously away. You cannot snub a gift so precious.
Live the moment. It truly is ALL that we have.
One Year Patches and Pills and Gum Oh My!
I`ve been reading a good number of siteslately asking about lozenges, hypnosis, patches, wellbutin and other quit aids.
It`s just like losing weight (I can hear all you ladies groan). There is NO magic pill. No one can hand you anything to help cause the weight to drop off. And no one has invented a formula so that we can wake up 40 lbs less.
Quitting smoking is precisely the same thing. There is NO magic pill.
Nothing on this planet will aid you in your quit if you don`t want to quit. Someone in a hypnosis thread said something about not being suggestable enough. Not the case.
Its all a matter of how much you want this.
Habits are hard to break. Trust me, I know this. But after trying various and sundry quit aids over the past ten years, including hypnosis, gum, acupuncture, acupressure and reflexology, I completely understand now that unless you want this quit, nothing will work.
You must decide what is most important to you.
Life and health, or death and a thousand loved ones tears.
You MUST decide. It`s ENTIRELY your choice. It doesn`t help to come to cry about how much you don`t want to quit. So long as you carry that attitude, you won`t have a chance.
We ALL wanted the magic pill.
We ALL wanted it to be easy.
We ALL were scared.
Suck it up, decide you want this quit more than anything in the world and start making it yours. Start living. Put dying on hold.
It`s an either / or situation.
Either you want to be smoke free or you don`t. Very simple.
We either put a cigarette to our mouths and light it......or we don`t.
Life doesn`t get much simpler than that.
Hang in there
It`s worth it.
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